Hi, I'm a TSA screener.  I'd rather not show my face, as too many camp guards in WW2 got in trouble that way.

You'd best follow all your friend's advice -- be nice to me, do everything I say or ask no matter how demeaning, try not to look suspicious.  Just think of yourself as a French Citizen trying to get through a Nazi checkpoint without being detained -- or rendered.  The Airport may be public property built with your tax dollars, a place where all the Airlines are engaged in public free enterprise -- but the Constitution stops at the door.  You're in my little dictatorship now.  Your papers had better be in order!

So, now that we won't even let you lock your checked bags, and you want to be secure in your papers and effects, you've decided to drag it all on the plane.  And you even read the new pamphlet about which of your possessions are legal to bring with you on the plane?    I'll bet you missed:

"To ensure everyone's security, the TSO may determine that an item not on the prohibited items chart is prohibited.  In addition, the TSO may also determine that an item on the permitted chart is dangerous and therefore may not be brought through the security checkpoint."

"Items that are voluntarily abandoned or confiscated by a law enforcement officer cannot be recovered and will not be returned to you.  Property claims for these items will also be denied by TSA."

"If you bring a prohibited item to the checkpoint, you may be criminally and/or civilly prosecuted or, at the least, asked to rid yourself of the item.  A transportation security officer (TSO – formerly a screener) and/or law enforcement officer will make this determination, depending on what the item is and the circumstances.  Bringing a prohibited item to a security checkpoint – even accidentally – is illegal."

Now I try to be courteous.  For example -- when I'm running my hands across your genitals or breasts, I will switch to the back side of my hand.  Won't that make it all better?  Of course, using the back side of my hand, I will need to take a much longer look.

One more note -- lord help you if our $50K magic explosive sniffer box does not like you!!  If you are a farmer, or work in a greenhouse, or -- heaven forbid -- work with nasty explosives -- it's simple.  Just don't fly, or you'll wind up standing in your underwear while we X-Ray your jeans.

For the ladies out there, I'm not allowed to pat down your chest unless some alarm goes off, or you have some lump:

"Patting down the chest area will now only be conducted if it alarms a hand-held metal detector or there is an irregularity or anomaly in the person's clothing outline.  Unless these criteria are met, screeners will only pat down a line below the chest area to the waist, followed by a pat-down of the individual's entire back."

"The changes are in line with a recent recommendation of the 9/11 Commission Report that all passengers selected for additional screening be checked for explosives.
Additional screening, including pat-down searches, may be required of passengers based on visual observations by screeners, even if an audible alarm has not gone off."